Colorado - Families Supporting Adoption

I am excited to be a guest blogger at the Colorado Families Supporting Adoption (FSA) blog. I'll be writing once a month. My first official post is about open adoption and the hesitation some people have about openness with their children's birth parents.

"To Be Open or Not To Be Open"

Why We Adopted Black Babies

Any adoptive parent can tell you that adoption related questions are often the most intrusive, insensitive and outright rude. That's not to say that other parents haven't experienced the rude comment or two from an occasional stranger. But, with adoption for some reason people often think they have carte blanche to say or ask whatever the heck they want.

I've been asked more times than I can count if my two adopted children are my "real" children (I change their poopy diapers and rock them to sleep at night, so I REALLY am their mother), if they are siblings (they are now), how much did they cost (how much did your c-sections cost?), do my two biological children accept them (huh? as much as any siblings accept each other, whatever that means), but the most jarring question I've been asked repeatedly is why we adopted black children. To be clear, I've been asked that by both white and black people.

It is a loaded question. Sometimes it's loaded with accusations or mistrust. Sometimes it's loaded with curiosity or ignorance. Sometimes it's loaded with racism. The answer to that question is even trickier. We did not set out to adopt black children; we set out to adopt children. When the agency asked us what race of baby we wanted, we said, "It doesn't matter. We just want the child that is meant to be in our family." We filled out our homestudy paperwork, did our fingerprints and background checks, said lots of prayers and waited to be chosen by a birth mother. Why did our children's birth mothers pick a white family for their children to grow up in? As much as people may want a logical straightforward answer, the REAL answer is that God led us all to each other.

The first time our adoption agency talked to us about Forest, the strongest, warmest feeling flooded my heart and I knew he was meant to be our son. We had just said no to the agency the day before about a white baby boy, not because he was white, but because it didn't feel right. He wasn't our boy. Forest was our boy, and even though we both felt so strongly that he was meant to be with us, his birth mother didn't pick us. We were disappointed and confused. Three days later, she delivered Forest and chose us to be his parents. We both cried when we got the phone call and eleven hours after his birth we were holding him in the hospital.

Kiira's story was different but just as beautiful. Forest was only 9 months old when I began having very strong feelings that there was another baby meant to be in our family. I was terrified to tell Kent, and he pretty much thought I was insane at first. But, after several days, he came back to me and said he had prayed about it and that I should go ahead and contact the agency. Kiira was born nine months later and after 2 failed placements. Nine months later. That meant that when I had the impressions that there was another baby, she had just been conceived. Kiira's birth mother chose us 2 weeks before Kiira's birth and being with her and her/our baby in the hospital was a spiritual experience.

There is a plan that is greater than all of us. God works in all of our lives to bring us to where and with whom we need to be. We adopted black babies because Forest and Kiira were meant to be in our family and they are black. Their blackness has enriched our lives in ways we never could've anticipated, and more importantly the essence of who they are, their spirits, have completed our family. None of us would've been who we were meant to be without them, and they will become the people God plans for them to be because of our being together.

I think most people who ask why we adopted black children are looking for a race-based answer or at least a racial justification. The honest answer, however, is spiritual and more than just skin-deep.

I Am The Queen of Paperwork

Back when I first met Kent I thought I knew what it was to deal with paperwork and red tape. I was getting a PhD in education; I had to do a lot of writing and reading and I figured it would be the most paperwork intensive time of my life. Well, here are a few things I've done since then that involve way more paperwork:

1. Adoption:

I've posted previously about the adoption process, but there is almost no way to describe how much paperwork is involved. To start with there's the 40+ page homestudy document you're supposed to complete...just this can be overwhelming, and that's the beginning of the process. Then you have applications, letters of recommendation, forms, more forms, and even more forms and copies of other forms, but not just any copies, certified copies. Once you're ready for the placement of the baby, then you have paperwork for placement, then legal documents for finalizing the adoption, and on and on. After the adoption is finalized, then you have to get a social security number for the child, an amended birth certificate, etc. All in all, adoption is the #1 most paperwork-intensive thing I've ever done.

2. Welfare:

Anyone who has ever applied for state aid knows how much paperwork and documentation is involved. When Kent and I were both in school, we applied for various kinds of state assistance, and I remember joking with a friend that you had to have a PhD just to get through the application process. And once you have welfare, you have to reapply every 4-6 months. I'm grateful we had the help, but I'm just saying it was a LOT of red tape and paperwork.

3. Taxes:

Of course, we all get to deal with this one every year. Since I do a lot of the finances in our house, I get to do the taxes. The more money we've made, the more involved the taxes. Just finished this one for 2010, and I'm papered out.

4. Medical Bills & Insurance:

If you're like me and have had health problems, then you know how much red tape is involved in keeping track of medical bills, and possibly even more daunting, keeping track of insurance claims. I am a bit on the anal side on this and I track our medical claims every month or more often. I find AT LEAST one major processing error a month; consequently, I have saved our family hundreds of dollars by being on top of this. It also means lots of phone calls explaining that we should only be responsible for X amount of dollars because of X Y Z. I almost always prevail in having claims reprocessed because the insurance company is usually in the wrong. But, ugh! I get tired of this one.

5. My Kids' School:

OK, this isn't nearly as much paperwork as getting a PhD, but who knew that kindergarten involved so much red tape? It seems like almost every day there's another flyer or handout or worksheet that needs to filled out and returned. Most of it is fun stuff like volunteering to help with activities or field trip permission forms. But, it still surprises me sometimes how much paperwork my kindergartener brings home in a week. I guess it's all part of preparing them for the future...where there's plenty more paperwork awaiting them.

Birth Mothers

I've been thinking so much lately of Kiira's birth mother, who I've been calling Sh on this blog to protect her privacy. Sh is a somewhat shy person, so I haven't wanted to embarrass her or anything. But I have to write about what a wonderful person she is and how she's become a part of our lives.

Many adoptive couples are nervous about open adoption, and some birth mothers are too. Forest's birth mother, for instance, didn't want to meet us until after she was discharged from the hospital which was a few days after Forest's birth. We met at a restaurant, and we were able to take pictures of her with Forest and with his birth sister who is 2 years older than him. That's the first and last time we ever saw her. We have written letters and sent pictures through the adoption agency, but she has since lost contact with the agency. We hope one day she will contact them again and get back in touch. Even though she has gone her own way, we still have a special place in our hearts for her because she gave our son life and also his talents, his good looks, his calm sweet demeanor, and his heritage.

With Kiira's birth mother, it has been very different. We have an open relationship with her which has been a real blessing for our whole family. Sh and I talk on the phone and more recently have gotten in touch online, so we're sending messages back and forth. She also visits this blog and we send pictures and letters in the mail. I would say that our relationship with Sh is one of the most important in our lives; she has become family. We have a special bond because she and I are both Kiira's mothers. Sh is the mother who gave Kiira life and all of her beauty, talents, and her amazing smile. I am the mother who will raise Kiira up, along with my husband, to become the young woman God plans for her to be.

I realize that every adoption situation is unique, and it's not always possible to have an open adoption. And, often there are legitimate concerns on both sides. But I am so grateful that we have been able to have an open relationship with Sh.

We love you, Miss Sh!

Kiira - Sealed & Blessed

It's taken me 2 weeks to get this posted, but everything has taken me a little longer lately. I've been having some health problems which means that it's pretty much all I can handle just taking care of my kids from day to day. The women in my ward (church congregation) have been amazing helping out with the kids and bringing dinners. And weekends are always easier with Kent home.

So, on Saturday, Sept. 18th we went to the Mesa Temple as a family and were sealed to Kiira. It was a very special day. I can't describe how amazing it is to see your children all dressed in white and knowing that we are a forever family now. The next morning Kiira was blessed at church. It was a beautiful blessing Kent gave her, and we were grateful to have my parents and my aunt and uncle in town and to have good friends join us.

Kiira's Sealing Day:

Click on picture to Start Slideshow



Kiira's Blessing Dress:

Kiira's Adoption Finalized!

I can't even express the sense of relief and completeness you feel once you've heard the judge declare that your child is officially yours in the eyes of the law.

Today we drove down to Florence, Arizona for Kiira's adoption hearing. The judge, Stephen F. McCarville, was very friendly and got the kids involved; he asked them to come up to his podium and gave them candy. He asked us if we were prepared to be Kiira's mother and father - YES! Then he officially declared that we are Kiira's father and mother in the eyes of the court and by law. It was the best feeling walking out of the courthouse knowing that we are blessed to be this sweet little girl's parents in every sense.

Of course, we had to take a picture.
(Click on pic to see larger)

That Was Fast

We heard from our lawyer today that we got a court date to finalize Kiira's adoption!!! It's September 13th! She will be just barely over 2 months old when we can officially say that Kiira is our girl. Then that Saturday we will be sealed to her in the LDS Mesa Arizona temple.

Talk about fast! By comparison, it took us nearly 8 months to get a court date to finalize Forest's adoption. In case you're not familiar with the adoption process, it goes basically like this - at least for domestic agency adoptions -

1) Get Certified by the State to Adopt

This involves:

• A lot of paperwork, backgrounds checks, doctor's physicals, financial documentation, 3 letters of recommendation, education classes, in-home visits from a caseworker, very intrusive questions into your personal life, and probably a few other things I'm forgetting.

2) The Matching Game

• The agency shows your profile (which you've created) to interested birth mothers and you wait for a birth mother to choose you to parent her child. If there's enough advance notice, you can often spend time getting to know each other through visits and/or phone calls.

3) Matched!

• Once you're matched with a birth mother, you may or may not have to pay some of the adoption fees at this point depending on your agency. And you also wait until the baby is born, and hopefully are continuing to get to know your birth mother.

4) Birth and Placement

• When the happy day comes and your baby is born, you rush to wherever you need to to be with that sweet baby and birth mother. It may be in your state or in another state, In our case both times it was out of state. So, we jumped on an airplane as fast as we could.
  
• After a specified amount of time (each state is different - Utah is 24 hrs, Arizona is 72 hrs) the birth mother can sign the placement papers and you sign papers as well. This is when you become the official guardians of the child. This doesn't mean the baby is yours in a full legal sense, but that you are planning on being the parents. Each state has different waiting periods and requirements before finalization of the adoption can occur.

5) Finalization

• This is where we are at right now. In Arizona 3 supervisory visits must take place by a social worker to make sure the baby is being taken care of and that this adoption should really happen. In some states, there's a certain waiting period, for example, in Utah it's 6 months.
  
• Finalization happens when a judge looks at your file and determines that everything has been done correctly and appropriately. He asks you some questions about your commitment to parent the child, and he then signs the Declaration of Adoption. THIS is when you legally become the parents of the child.

In some ways it seems crazy to have to go through all of that to become a parent, especially when by comparison there are no prerequisites for someone to give birth to a child. But, there are reasons for so much oversight, and it's mainly to protect the children involved. Having become a mother both ways, by giving birth and by adoption, I can say that they are both hard and emotional and full of uncertainties. In both cases, once you hold that sweet baby in your arms, you forget all the pain, fears, work, preparations, and all you feel is the joy. And right now as I type this and have my baby Kiira sleeping in my arms, I can absolutely say it is worth all of it!

We Made It Home

Yesterday while Kiira and I were at lunch with her birthmother, Sh, and her 2 sons, Kent called me to say that ICPC was done, and I could bring Kiira home!!! Of course, I wanted to jump on the very next plane, but in the end I tried to jump on the last plane of the night. As soon as I got to the gate and sat down, they made an announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Atlanta airport is now closed. There is no traffic coming in or going out." Ah!!!

My first worry was that I'd end up stuck for the night at the airport or somewhere in Atlanta. I noticed a pretty bad lightening storm outside, so I hoped that maybe it was just the storm and it might pass. Thirty minutes later they reopened the airport, but by then our airplane had been rerouted to Birmingham, Alabama. In the end, there was a 3 hour delay. Yes, THREE hours in an airport late at night with a newborn baby. Not fun, but I was grateful that at least I was going home. I landed at 1am and got home around 2am, which Atlanta time is 5am. Needless to say, I slept for most of the morning.

Here are pictures of all of our kids together...all FOUR of our kids! And a few of Kiira.

Just Me and Kiira

What a whirlwind of a weekend we had! Now that baby Kiira is officially ours, we get to wait for the Interstate Compact (ICPC) process. This is where the legal papers have to be processed at the state level for both the sending state (Georgia) and the receiving state (Arizona). Basically, Kiira can't leave Georgia until we get permission. The process can take anywhere from a week to 2 weeks.

This means that the rest of our children are in Arizona while we wait here. In the end, we decided that Kent should go home to take care of our crew while I stay here with Kiira to wait for ICPC. He left last night, and I can't tell you how hard it was to have him leave and know that he'll be seeing my other 3 children while Kiira and I will be here on our own. On the other hand, this will be my only chance to have one-on-one time with Kiira which will make for good bonding. I know that once I get home and have all 4 children together, there won't be much alone time with Kiira. So I'm determined to make the best of this time and enjoy some good mother-daughter bonding.

Here are some more pictures of Kiira:

Kiira Monique

Here are a few pictures of our sweet baby girl, Kiira Monique. She was born July 2nd at 7:46pm at 6 lbs. 6 oz. What a blessed day!

Baby's Been Born!

Baby Kiira was born early this morning. We're on our way to Georgia! Will post more after we get there.

Yea!!!!

The Name Game

Now that we are matched, we have started the naming process. We had a boy in mind for the last several months, so we're changing gears and looking at girls' names. It reminds me a little of when I was pregnant with Bekah, and we were absolutely convinced that we were having a boy. When we got the ultrasound and the technician said, "It looks like you're having a girl." We almost didn't believe it. We were so sure we were having a boy that we had already picked out his name "Forest Jackson".

That night after praying we had an almost simultaneous outburst; we both blurted out, "What about the name 'Rebekah' from the Bible?" I looked at Kent and said, "What? Why did you think of that?" He was wondering the same thing about me. We took it as a sign and after thinking about it for a few days, we decided that her name should be Rebekah.

This time around I had picked a girl's name out when we first started this process - the name Kiira. I love the name, and I also love that it can have a Finnish spelling. In fact, Kiira Korpi is a Finnish figure skater who won the European bronze medal in 2007, so technically it's even a Finnish name. But somehow now that we are getting ready to adopt a baby girl, I'm trying to keep an open mind about names. Natalie? Natasha? Savannah? Rachel? Kiira...

We've Been Matched...Again

Yesterday morning while at my friend Jennie's house I heard that familiar ring on my cell phone, "Electric Avenue" by Eddie Grant. All of our adoption agency phone numbers have been assigned the "Electric Avenue" ring, so my heart jumped when I heard it. A new birthmother, who we'll call Sh, saw our profile and liked us. She wanted to talk to us on the phone.

This morning at 8am the phone call was set to take place. The caseworker called us; I conferenced in Kent, and she conferenced in Sh. It's amazing how you can be filled with love for someone you've never met before, but that's how adoption is. Sh and I (with Kent listening on at work) had a great conversation. She talked about how she knew this angel baby of hers was meant to bless a family, and I assured her that we would love her and that our home would be filled with song, laughter and love. Turns out Sh and I both grew up in New York, her in the city and me upstate. Sh loves to sing and dance; in fact, the pictures of us singing karaoke at our wedding caught her attention she said. She also said that the fact that we already had an African American child touched her heart.

It's so hard to describe what these conversations are like with a woman who knows she is giving you a part of herself and the greatest gift any person could ever give. There is a sense of mutual love almost immediately because we know the sacrifice she's making, and she knows (and hopes) that you will love her child and provide him/her with a happy life. It's truly indescribable.

So, Sh is having a baby girl at the end of July. A girl!!! I'm excited to get out all of my baby girl things and to redecorate the nursery to make it more "girlish" as Bekah says. Actually, Bekah uses that word in the context of NOT wanting to wear something, "No! That's too girlish!" But I digress... we are excited and very happy. And, yes, we are nervous too after our previous 2 experiences, but a good friend reminded me yesterday, "Try not to be too guarded. Remember heartache is better than regret." All too true, and I've decided that I will allow myself to fall in love all over again with another baby and another birthmother knowing that whatever the Lord's will is will come to pass.

Counting My Blessings

Despite the disappointment we're experiencing with our failed adoption, I have come to appreciate my 3 little children more than ever. I hug them a little closer and more often, and I'm stopping more to watch the crazy and adorable things they do.

These are my 3 blessings:

The Trial of Our Faith

Our adoption agency has been trying to contact our birthmom, K, all week and have only gotten one text from her saying that she's thinking of parenting the baby. Since that text, K had agreed to talk on the phone to our caseworker, but then she wouldn't answer her calls. So...we're pretty sure that she has decided to keep the baby.

Of course my heart is broken. I feel like I've lost a child, but I keep reminding myself that the Lord has a plan for our family and for K and her baby. If he were supposed to be our son, he would be our son. We still know that our family is not complete and that there is a little person somewhere out there who God intends to be our child. Having faith in a plan that you can't see working out is a challenge. But I've been down this road before many times in different ways. It's so hard to understand what the plan is when you can only see one perspective.

"I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."
- Ether 12:6

We are definitely hoping for things which are not seen...yet. And, yes, this is absolutely a trial of our faith.

Second Thoughts

This has been a rough week so far. We found out that our birthmother, K, is having second thoughts about placing her baby. As I wrote before, her mother has been in the hospital with severe pneumonia. She's been in for almost 2 weeks now and is currently on a respirator, so things are not going well at all. K's mother has not been happy about the adoption from the beginning, but K was feeling fairly confident about her decision. Now that her mother's so sick, K said she feels confused and is considering her mother's wishes to keep the family together.

Needless to say, Kent and I are very sad. I feel like there's a big giant hole in my heart that just won't be filled. We've been in this process for 6 months now, and we've already been through one disappointment not being able to adopt Forest's sibling. Now to be so close to the birth of another baby that we've been waiting for, and to have it be falling apart, it is devastating. K has not made her mind up for sure, so we're saying lots of prayers and mostly hoping that what is the right thing for her, her baby, and for us is what will happen.

Waiting... and new couch

Today our birthmom, K, is 35 weeks along in her pregnancy. I am SO grateful that she's endured all her difficulties and discomforts and gotten to this point. Joseph will most likely be healthy and strong now that he's gotten this far and hopefully even further along. We missed our weekly phone call with K because she had to take her mother to the ER. We've been hearing updates through our caseworker, but I can only imagine the stress she must be under right now.

On our end, we're also experiencing stress not knowing when or how things will happen and worrying about K. I am so ready to start life with our new baby and to have our family be complete. We've been living in limbo for 6 months now, and it is only getting harder. Every time there is something that needs to be scheduled, there's this nagging voice in your head, "Why schedule anything? You might not even be here." Although I am glad that we have scheduled things and tried to live normal life because we never thought we'd get to mid-May and still be waiting.

One of the things we decided not to put off was buying a new sectional sofa. Our yellow couches were beautiful once upon a time, but after being in an apartment of singles with cats and dogs and then enduring the abuse of children after I got married, they are threadbare. My parents were kind enough to offer to help us get new couches as long as they could count it for my birthday, both our Christmas presents, and Kent's birthday next year. :-) We were happy to forego future gifts to get a beautiful sectional.

Here are pics:

"Even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting for the adoption"

- Romans 8:23

Ronald Reagan on Adoption

I was reading an adoptive family's blog about their adoption journey, and I happened on this YouTube video (actually it's audio with a picture) of a 1975 radio broadcast by Ronald Reagan. Apparently, he did a weekly radio show at the time. Here is his very moving explanation of adoption versus abortion:



BTW, Ronald Reagan was himself an adoptive parent.

Baby Baby

We had our weekly phone call today with our birthmom, K, and she seemed to be in much better spirits than the last time we talked. We had a few good laughs about how terrible it is to stay in the hospital and how awful hospital food is. Anyone who has stayed in the hospital for more than a couple days knows what I'm talking about, especially if they put you on any dietary restrictions.

When I was pregnant with Maija and in the hospital for a week, I had gestational diabetes (on top of everything else) so they put me on a diabetic diet. It was awful!!! After a few days I reached my limit when they wouldn't give me milk! Apparently it wasn't allowed (at that hospital) for diabetics, and I just about freaked out one morning and cried to Kent, "All I want is milk! That's all I want!!!" He snuck me some. Such a loving hubby :-) Apparently, K had the same experience with butter. Since she has gall stones, they were restricting her fat intake and wouldn't allow her to eat any margarine or butter. She said she was begging the nurses for butter when they brought her a baked potato with no butter or sour cream.

On a more serious note, the doctors are now trying to get her to 37 weeks. This would be great for Joseph, but I hope K can handle all of this that long. She said to me, "I'm keeping him real safe for you. You better take good care of him." She also said that she had a 3D ultrasound yesterday and got great pictures of his face which she's going to put in the mail for us. I can't wait to see them. K told me, "They're gonna make you cry, Kim." I know they will.

So, better news this week, and we hope her body will hang in there as long as possible, as well as her state of mind. What a trooper she is and a strong woman. We're so grateful to her for all she's enduring for her son and consequently for us too.