Mourning a Loss That Never Happened

As is typical in foster care, I have had some highs and lows these last few weeks. Having a pre-adoptive placement of our sweet Special K is ten times easier than a regular foster placement, any day. Special K is already walking and talking, a little, and we know he is ours never to be taken away. At least, that's what his caseworker tells us. We are so grateful to have another son and to know that everyone's intention is for us to adopt him. All of this is good. But, my heart has been grieving lately.

Our previous foster son, Baby S, who was with us from birth until 9 months old, just celebrated his 1st birthday. We were happy to be able to celebrate with him and his birth family; grateful for their generosity including us. Baby S is turning out to be a little ball of charisma, cuteness and charm. I miss him beyond words! It is so nice to see him every few weeks, but I miss my baby cuddling with me every night before bedtime. I miss being his mama. And, it makes me mourn having missed all of that with Special K. I didn't get to see Special K in the hospital as a newborn like I did with Baby S and all my other babies. I didn't get to see his firsts or be the one he bonded with. As I watched Baby S at his birthday party and held Special K on my lap, I grieved not only for missing Baby S but for missing Special K's infancy.

Yes, Special K has a bright future ahead of him now with a mommy and daddy and four older siblings to look out for him. I look at his gorgeous face and am amazed that I have once again been given a gift that is beyond value. There is no way to measure the joy and gratitude. I just didn't expect to grieve over losing a baby I never had. Special K was not my baby. He is my boy now, and I will give him everything I possibly can to make his life happy. What every child deserves. But, some losses stay with you, and I don't think I'll ever fully get over not only losing our little Baby S, but losing those days of infancy with Special K.

P.S. These are my ruminations on the feelings of loss that I as an adult have had. I can write in a blog about it and process the pain. But, for these little ones in foster care, their pain is exponentially more intolerable. Yet, they don't have the words or the ability to understand the losses they endure. Special K's pain must be so much more than mine, but he can't express it. I do recognize that.