Merry Christmas 2011

A Pirate Christmas

Well, I'm not sure if the pirates have stolen Christmas or they're just in Christmas denial. My children were watching Jake and the Neverland Pirates on Disney and the episode was all about Winter Treasure Day. Now in case you're unfamiliar with Winter Treasure Day as I was, let me share with you what I discovered. Winter Treasure Day is celebrated some time in winter when there is plenty of snow. Presents are given to friends and loved ones while they enjoy a decorated Winter Treasure Day tree. Hmmm..what a novel idea.

So, I asked my two daughters what Winter Treasure Day is, and they both said (with an added tone of "Duh! Mom!"), "It's Christmas!" I wondered what other pirate holiday knowledge these girls had. "Why don't they just call it Christmas then?" The profound answer they gave (again with the "Duh! Mom!" tone), "Because they're pirates!" Oh, right. I forgot that pirates can't celebrate Christmas even in a cartoon. It's just not PC enough for those scurvy pirates.

You Too!

Have you ever been at the concessions at the movie theater, and when the attendant tells you, "Enjoy the movie," you say, "You too!"? I've also done this at the airport. "Enjoy your flight." "You too." Then you realize two minutes later as you're already walking away that that didn't make any sense. It's that automatic response to "Take care", "Have a nice day", etc.

Today when my little two-year-old Forest was headed downstairs to play with his sisters, I told him, "Have a good time." And he yelled back, "You have a good time, too, Mama!". Adorable! And the best part is that he sincerely meant it. It wasn't an automatic "you too" but a sincere little child's thoughtfulness. I love that boy! I'm pretty sure I have the best kids on the planet.

Speaking of my amazing children, I can't believe how fast they're growing. Maija turns 7 in a month. Rebekah turns 5 in three weeks, and Forest turns 3 in three months. Kiira will be 18 months old on January 2nd and will start attending nursery at church. I'm a little nervous to take her to her well-child check-up because she isn't walking independently yet. I'm trying not to worry about it too much, but we'll see. She has taken a few steps on her own and cruises all over the place as long as she's holding on to something. Anyone ever had a late walker? Like 18 months old or older late?

Good But Not Too Good

"That’s way too much earnestness for the ironic. It’s way too much idealism for the cynical. And it’s way too much selflessness for the self-absorbed."

I was reading an opinion piece here about why Tim Tebow's religiosity bothers so many people. I'm not one for getting in people's faces in general, and I'm not sure I would be so out there with my religion. However, I find it fascinating that Tebow's expressions of faith are considered controversial and cause such a visceral reaction.

It makes me think of a couple of friends of mine. One is an extremely generous person who is always thinking of others and doing kind things, usually anonymously. The other friend is very fun to be around and extremely quick-witted, but generally gives only to her closest friends and family. I don't want to judge my second friend too harshly, because I'm not sure that I'm any better than her in this regard. However, it happened that one day the generous friend had something that she decided to share anonymously with a woman whom she didn't know well but thought she needed cheering up. Our funny friend found out about this and angrily confronted my generous friend, "How could you give that to her?!? You barely know her. You always do this! Did you stop to think that maybe your good friends wanted that? You are so selfish!"

My generous friend was floored. She couldn't understand why she was accused of being selfish for doing something kind. She confided in me that not only were her feelings hurt, but she lost a lot of respect for our funny friend. I realized that our friend's reaction most likely was not about the actual thing my generous friend shared, but more of a reaction to her kindness in general. I think it made her feel guilty. I think my funny friend felt all of her flaws were being pointed out every time our generous friend did something generous.

I share this because I think that is part of the problem many have with Tim Tebow's expressions of his religious faith. It's a slap in the face to see someone actually striving to live their faith. It's the same reason that heroes in today's movies and TV shows always have major character flaws; nobody can really be entirely good. Everybody has skeletons in their closet. Everyone does bad things. Nobody can really live a life of high moral values. It's not realistic, and it's just downright offensive if somebody does it. At least, that seems to be the current view in our society. You can be good, but not too good.

Within the Mormon culture, I've seen this same pattern. Yes, you should keep the commandments, but don't be so obvious about it. Don't make me feel bad if I choose to do a few things wrong. You're the one who has the problem because you're just too good, or you're just trying to appear to be that good. I've met many a member of the church who believes that the only reason anyone would strive to keep all the commandments is to impress everyone else. What's interesting is how much these reactions reveal about the person having them. Which leads me back to Tim Tebow. The only reason his religiosity bothers people so much is because it reveals to them so much about themselves, and they don't like that.

Times and Seasons

When my first child Maija was born and I was home with her pretty much full time, I felt like with this blessing of a beautiful baby girl also came a new kind of challenge I'd never experienced before. I felt like I would never have any freedom ever again and that my whole existence revolved around feedings and diaper changes. It's that fog that a mother goes through with every new baby, but with the first it's the scariest because you don't know yet that at some point you will get more than 2 hours of sleep at a time.

It was during this newborn fog that I complained to my mother about my feelings of isolation and lack of freedom. My mother said a very wise thing to me. She told me that there are times and seasons for everything and the day would come when my children would be older, and I'd have the time and freedom that I missed so much. That thought has gotten me through many a difficult day of crying children, constant messes, and unending diaper changes.

One of the things that I gave up in order to focus on having, adopting and raising babies was my career as a teacher and future professor. I was a PhD student in Education when Maija was born and after a year of struggling to continue the program (and after being told by one of my professors that I had no business having babies while I was getting a PhD...story for another day), I finally decided to quit the program. Although there were a lot of things that led me to quit, the primary reason was my desire to have children and raise them myself. Several friends and family members tried to convince me to continue, but once I prayed about it, I knew it was the right decision for me. Although it was a painful experience, it ended up being a blessing for our whole family. I know now that if I had stayed in the program we would never have had Rebekah because of the pressures to not have children while in school.

Have I ever regretted my decision? No. Have I given up on being an educator and getting my PhD someday? No. Because I know that there are times and seasons for everything. Now is my time to raise my four little children and focus on being a mother. The day will come when I will have the time and freedom to continue school if I so choose. And, interestingly I have been slowly and almost imperceptibly moving into a new season with my children now that my baby is almost 18 months and we have no plans for any more babies (see my previous post here for more on that.). For the first time in six years I am teaching again as a substitute teacher, and I'm loving it. I'm able to pick and choose when and how much I work, and I can still be home most of the time with the kids. I feel blessed to be a mother and blessed to be a teacher again. I can see now that my mother was exactly right. Nothing ever stays the same, and we don't have to be or do all things at once. As women, we can have it all, but it doesn't have to be all right now!!!

Subliminal Baby

I had a truly frightening experience last night. I was visiting a friend who just gave birth to her third child a month ago. Her baby girl is absolutely beautiful. I was holding her (the baby, not the friend) and she looked in my eyes and smiled. That's when things got really scary. She started cooing at me, and I thought to myself, "I could do another baby."

What in the world? My baby is only 16 months old and is just barely walking and talking. I still have 2 kids in diapers and only one of my four children is in school all day. What kind of subliminal power did this baby have that caused such a crazy thought to enter my mind? Of course, I could never mention my scary experience to my husband; I'm pretty sure he would go catatonic. Please don't misunderstand me. I love my four babies, but I am so ready to get past the diapers, high chairs, bottles, urine, poop, and carseat phase. When we adopted Kiira, we both felt like our family was complete. And I think it is. Which is why my experience last night scared the crud out of me.

This reminds me of a study I read about years ago. Researchers found that when they showed women pictures of babies, their pupils dilated. However, they did not find the same reaction in men, although men's pupils did dilate when shown pictures of women. Go figure! I really do think that there is a biological reaction women have to babies. But, as sweet and beautiful as my friend's baby is, I was happy to have her smile and coo at me and then hand her back to her mommy.

8 Blissfull Years and Counting

Okay maybe not everything has been bliss in the last eight years. We've had our share of trials and challenges (hello, 4 kids in 5 years!) but at least the marriage part has been pretty close to blissfull. I'm so grateful to have married the best man I know. I'm not just saying that for the blog. Kent really is an amazing man, father and husband. I lucked out. Here's to many more years of traveling life's road together and beyond.

Colorado - Families Supporting Adoption

I am excited to be a guest blogger at the Colorado Families Supporting Adoption (FSA) blog. I'll be writing once a month. My first official post is about open adoption and the hesitation some people have about openness with their children's birth parents.

"To Be Open or Not To Be Open"

Why We Adopted Black Babies

Any adoptive parent can tell you that adoption related questions are often the most intrusive, insensitive and outright rude. That's not to say that other parents haven't experienced the rude comment or two from an occasional stranger. But, with adoption for some reason people often think they have carte blanche to say or ask whatever the heck they want.

I've been asked more times than I can count if my two adopted children are my "real" children (I change their poopy diapers and rock them to sleep at night, so I REALLY am their mother), if they are siblings (they are now), how much did they cost (how much did your c-sections cost?), do my two biological children accept them (huh? as much as any siblings accept each other, whatever that means), but the most jarring question I've been asked repeatedly is why we adopted black children. To be clear, I've been asked that by both white and black people.

It is a loaded question. Sometimes it's loaded with accusations or mistrust. Sometimes it's loaded with curiosity or ignorance. Sometimes it's loaded with racism. The answer to that question is even trickier. We did not set out to adopt black children; we set out to adopt children. When the agency asked us what race of baby we wanted, we said, "It doesn't matter. We just want the child that is meant to be in our family." We filled out our homestudy paperwork, did our fingerprints and background checks, said lots of prayers and waited to be chosen by a birth mother. Why did our children's birth mothers pick a white family for their children to grow up in? As much as people may want a logical straightforward answer, the REAL answer is that God led us all to each other.

The first time our adoption agency talked to us about Forest, the strongest, warmest feeling flooded my heart and I knew he was meant to be our son. We had just said no to the agency the day before about a white baby boy, not because he was white, but because it didn't feel right. He wasn't our boy. Forest was our boy, and even though we both felt so strongly that he was meant to be with us, his birth mother didn't pick us. We were disappointed and confused. Three days later, she delivered Forest and chose us to be his parents. We both cried when we got the phone call and eleven hours after his birth we were holding him in the hospital.

Kiira's story was different but just as beautiful. Forest was only 9 months old when I began having very strong feelings that there was another baby meant to be in our family. I was terrified to tell Kent, and he pretty much thought I was insane at first. But, after several days, he came back to me and said he had prayed about it and that I should go ahead and contact the agency. Kiira was born nine months later and after 2 failed placements. Nine months later. That meant that when I had the impressions that there was another baby, she had just been conceived. Kiira's birth mother chose us 2 weeks before Kiira's birth and being with her and her/our baby in the hospital was a spiritual experience.

There is a plan that is greater than all of us. God works in all of our lives to bring us to where and with whom we need to be. We adopted black babies because Forest and Kiira were meant to be in our family and they are black. Their blackness has enriched our lives in ways we never could've anticipated, and more importantly the essence of who they are, their spirits, have completed our family. None of us would've been who we were meant to be without them, and they will become the people God plans for them to be because of our being together.

I think most people who ask why we adopted black children are looking for a race-based answer or at least a racial justification. The honest answer, however, is spiritual and more than just skin-deep.

Follow-up: Why Saudi Women Need Drivers

I just read THIS article that the Saudi Arabian woman who was set to receive 10 lashings (see previous post) as punishment for driving has been released and the punishment rescinded. Good news.